getting ready for a FET

I am ready for a frozen embryo transfer.  My prolactin is finally down to 4 after one month of no breastfeeding.  Today I have squeezed one nipple to see if anything comes out, and nothing did.  That is when I finally got sad.  The breastfeeding days with my little girl are gone, definitely gone.

I am doing a frozen cycle in July.  I was expecting my period to come in one week, but it came early, and threw out my plans for a nice July long weekend, as I now need to be present for an ultrasound at 8 am instead of camping with my family.  I am so used to this though, missing out on many experiences in life because I have to be there for IVF.  When it works, it is worth every missed moment.  When it does not, it feels as if it was a waste of time, but I don't believe that any moment in which we fight for our hopes is a wasted moment.  In fact, these are the moments that count the most towards making a meaningful life.

I am very anxious today.  I don't know if it is because I just got my cycle, or because the IVF battles are starting again, or because I might not get pregnant, or because I might get pregnant.  I am not sure yet which one I should be most afraid of...

And so the story goes.